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I have been married for 7 years and basically my husband has stayed home and played video games since his last temorary internship ended in December. Ive spoken to him about it before but he has always somehow made it out as though Im being insensitive. The idea is that they will have a job outside of the home and you want them to be living independent lives. And will not get help for depression and alcoholism. He had two interviews over a year ago, they were directly from my contacts. It can cause depression. There isnt much or any inconvenience here as you provide company and can chip in for gas if need be. Feel as though Im enabling the behavior as I continue to stay . We all need to seek God on this and truly turn to Jesus who is the only one who can ease our heavy burdens! Sorry if you want to talk my email should have been sent to you,, i feel your pain ,. The emotional roller coaster we both are on is not new to anyone reading this thread the excitement of job potential, the crushing defeat of not securing the job, the depression and inaction following that defeat. Jan 14, 2016 Updated Jan 20, 2017. He and kids lost health insurance and he spent up all of the severance . More than anything, this depression has changed my husband. Hi Francesca, so what did you do at the end? 2. Once youve realized things really would fall apart, its time to step up, he said. Please know you are not alone. he ask me to use my saving its been 10 months of our marriage i have been feeding him and his family. Im frustrated because it does NOT take a YEAR to get a job..ANY job, I dont care if its flipping burgers. I am so upset. . Finding this site and reading these comments is really helping me. He was laid off in September due to lack of work at the business. ), stupid behaviour with money and general irresponsibility. I am a senior learning and training manager who has spent most of my 15 years working in the college/university sector. My DH is a workaholic and works about 80 hours per week, I work full time 40 hours. For the last three years, I have been engaged in an erratic live-in relationship with my boyfriend who has four dependent-age children. I have had to start on anti-anxiety medicine as I felt like I was about to wig out and keep distancing myself which I know isnt good for our marriage. For most of them, the main reason cannot get work is their attitude, not their luck, skill , experience,and education background. Your post rings so true for me also ..the light has dimmed and love is damaged by fighting and disrespect. The wife works long hard hours, but certainly chips in on her. They are either dismissed without even an interview or they get an interview followed by a rejection letter indicating that the company has decided to go with someone else, and screw you, youre out in the cold without a job or source of income and we couldnt care less. Being the runner up or coming in third or fourth place as a so called finalist for an open position really doesnt amount to a hill of beans when you have bills to pay and have a family to support. If you live with someone who IS making this effort but you REFUSE to see it, and you refuse to accept that good paying jobs dont grow on trees, and that there is discrimination our therethen this thread isnt for you. He turned down the job they offered him and its been a rollercoaster since. He created a spreadsheet to track every cent we spend, and exactly how much we have at any given time. He takes good care of our kids (really good care)and I have peace of mind when I leave the house in the mornings. Im tired every day from working 10-12 hours each day sometimes 6-7 days a week to make ends meet and get us what we NEED. I suppose I was running away and subconsciously wanted to be looked after. For example, physical disability or the recent COVID-19 resulted in many people getting laid off or declared . The ignorance of certain people about the hiring process and that sometimes there are more factors involved that go beyond the person who isnt hired is appalling. The only thing holding me back is my daughter and his relationship and WTF WOULD HE GO?! It also remains stubbornly common, despite study after study showing that female breadwinners in hetero relationships still do more housework than their male partners (even when those male partners do not work at all), and that this gap is damaging to marital happiness. HELP! I am 20 and have been with my 21 year old boyfriend for nearly 2 year at first it was fine we other worked at a pub he spoilt me as much and whenever he could and hes amazing and does help out around my parents house when asked but has been unemployed and living here for nearly a year I have had 2 jobs in this time as a receptionist which I had to resign from and my current position I Dont know what to do any more its so difficult I have to go to work every day I bring in the money and he wants stuff all the time wheres my stuff for doing the work? If you find that you argue a lot about chores or are growing angry and resentful toward your spouse, make sure to seek help. Anyway, setting aside the job issue he just doesn't do housework, and it bothers me. I believed inside me that I had gone through enough shit since my teen years (and lots of good times too) and just wanted to be wifey at home. I just thought it was normal relationship issues but I see your point. Reminds me of my ex who I just broke up with. Anticipate Roadblocks. Or, find someone else to mooch off of. I do laundry, cook, clean, watch the kid and our dog. Its a horrible way to think cause I come from divorced parents. I feel so trapped and alone most days. He wont look for work or try to get a job, we r still living with friends like we r teenagers, as if he could careless, knowing that like always, somehow someway i will fix our problems n i cant with out the help of another income this time. SO while all think the spouse are supportive of their spouse that looses a job. He could be feeling a combination of all 3, or he could be feeling none of them. Still, Smith said, My go-to advice to the couple is to start this discussion. Ps my partner is also a drinker and has a problem. i dont know if youll ever see this. He held a steady, low paying job for about 4 of those years. He also has a family which might as well not exist. Sit down together and make a list of the chores that each of you absolutely hates to do. Hi Star, I make enough to pay our bills and a little extra, but I still feel like I got a bad deal. My husband lost his job 2 years ago after his heart operation.Then his health recover after few month. He helps with what ever I ask him to do with the house chores but they are still my responsibility. Now my office situation has changed, with a nasty, impatient and intolerant manager . You have kids. Its not a big fat 0. I just dont know what to do. Some people try to play the responsible person but cant keep it going because deep inside they feel entitled to come and go from a job as they please because mom or dad or another girl will catch him and play house with him. You might just be subconsciously emulating this same dynamic you saw with your parents and then blaming your partner for it, she said. I pay 2/3 of the rent and cable/internet, she pays the very minimal utilities. I have my own bucket list that I want to see fulfilled. You must stop his earn-nothing, I dont have to work and contribute mentality. And hurts me and throws things. My husband has been abusive in the past, but I came back. One important step in that process is to get a clear picture of what Lively calls your chore portfolio: basically just a list of all the stuff that keeps your lives running (dishes, dog walking, paying the water bill, etc.). My husband doesn't do any housework!! He has been looking for work since March of 2020 and it has been quite frustrating getting our hopes up over jobs he has interviewed for that pay much less (or are much less hours or no benefits) than his former job, only to have employers say that they are looking for a Bachelors degree (for a minimum wage, entry level job), or that they are looking to hire, but will make their decision (for a part time job) several months in the future. Keep a sound point of view. I used to always be happy til he came into my life. He looks at job postings online every other day but never applies! Hard to be turned on with so much resentment. I think we are all being used and abused.! He once got a good part time job but after few weeks he quited because he said it was stressful for him. Weve only been in this state for a little over a year and havent made friends, and his family/friends are 800 miles away and are going through their own insanity and couldnt help him anyway. I met this guy last July. For me, I am also broken. Fast-food, retail, front desk, anything! I am actually in the same situation minus the need to travel, sort of. My husband has been unemployed for over a year and three months. So by the luck of faith, I gained a full time permenant position. I really wish I had asked a lot more questions about what his plans were. This person has been living off of the unemployment gravy train of the past year or so after being fired from a job where they simply made no effort to get along with their boss or do what they were asked to do, its as though they wanted to be fired and did what they could to get handed their walking papers. I mean none. So I wax and wane in detachment and support. Regardless of gender or marital status, if one partner EXPECTS the other to shoulder MOST of the responsibilities of the family, that is unacceptable, and that person is abusing their partner. The guy kept avoiding him. I could go live with my mom but that situation isnt for me. Without a doubt, unemployment does eat at your confidence. I recently walked out on my job but thankfully my husband was very supportive. Still no work and as I age, do not see any hope. It is so nice to be able to read other peoples stories and hear that I am not the only one in this situation. It is lonely and very isolating and sole destroying. If she is not willing to work when you are both in significant debt, there is a big problem. Only Owens has the power to demolish our notions of dress. One more thing. Since I finished school in the skilled trade sector I have been out applying to every contractor in the province. I feel my partner should at least do a voluntary job for a church or a charity and thus show that he is willing to work since he cant find useful employment. Have confidence.". For parents, the unconscious agreement might be, I prioritize the needs of my children above the needs of my relationship or myself, she explained. My partner for the last 7yrs cant seem to generate enough loyalty to our relationship to chip in and get it done. Personally, I am sick and tired of being used, I pay for shelter, food, clothing, household maintenance items, laundry, basically EVERYTHING, for a partner I consider now a con-artist. This is known as specializing, explains Ogolsky. What happended next was the combination of low self esteem, fear of pressure and more pain and the inability to express that I was not coping properly. My husbands been unemployed and under-employed for the past three years on top of having medical concerns which have changed his personality dramatically. You have a wife and children. Im doing everything in my end but whenever his mom talks to us, I feel that she is thinking that Im just bumping around doing nothing. Why is this my problem! He gets mean, depressed, and sometimes seem to have no ambition. Its not fair to me. Descubr lo que tu empresa podra llegar a alcanzar. Abusive people are abusive people it doesnt matter if they are employed, underemployed or unemployed. Respect, responsibility and appreciation. They usually lazy in their daily routine. These are not easy questions, and the answers are not any easier. Again, he goes off in text to this guy. Stay at home, gets angry, does a few things at home eg laundry. Sure he cooks dinner for the kids and does the dishes, but I need him to WORK! He doesnt even have a drivers license, Im usually the chauffeur for everything. He was employed at a jobbarely working 5-10 hours a week- for over a year prior to that. Im seriously starting to feel used. He can do his own laundry, sort his own food and pick up his own shit. Surely we cant survive on just love and fresh air. My children use to love him but cant stand the sight of him now. My whole problem is; he doesnt seem to think my feelings are warranted! You really need to start asking yourself the following questions; Is this the life I want to experience for the next 1, 5, 10, 20 years? To proud to put food on the table by working at Burger King or Walmart (or be with a partner who does) because the economy is in the hole and thats all there is available currently? Im completely at a lost anymore. (I know, $ but divorce is $$$$$$$.). But after reading your stories I saw a pattern. You are only 20 and hard working . This doesnt sound horrible until you consider the fact that he owes over $5,000.00 in child support (for 2 different moms, 2 kids), thousands in unpaid medical bills, repossessed homes, unpaid lease terminations, car payments, phone bills, utility bills, lawyer fees, I mean the list is endless. Do you have beliefs about who should be doing what chores? Knowing that the pressure was on and not wanting to put that on her, I succeeded in finding higher and higher paying jobs to cover for her loss. He was always a good provider and I didnt make as much as him until my current career, where I kind of zoomed ahead and my job became the career with potential. Too bloody bad. Ive tried broaching the subject of his returning to work and the response has changed over the years: no one to pick up kids, etc. Have you been a receptionist before? I am unhappy, exhausted, sad, failingI have run out of ideas. I met him four years ago at which time he said he was starting to look for work after a year vacation and selling assets (toys) to avoid dipping into his 200k retirement. Kick his lazy ass to the curb! He spent his time at home drinking coffee, browsing the Internet, sleeping and going to lunches or dinners with friends ( using credit cards, which my sister would have to pay later on). A spouse whose optional work is now a couples only source of income may all of a sudden shoulder the weight of paying bills. I have to stay strong for myself nowIve decided that to survive, I have to try to look after myself as best as I can. Im here all the time. Have you considered going to a CODA meeting. But not dishes. So, guess where we are now hes taking another class for a credential that will make his resume better. I know some of the things you are thinking right now. I work a very basic job and just manage to pay the bills each month. Luckily we have a rental house in another town, and I have told him, sorry, we need to sell the big house and move to the the smaller house because its so much cheaper and I cant keep it going. Its the most difficult thing ever. Speaking personally, the divide-and-conquer strategy is a game changer. He is simply not even trying to find a job, he doesnt want to work. The same thing happened at my previous job. My heart was totally broken that night. Sounds like hes a piece of work. I write music, I paint, i excersize, I volunteer my extra time, I pay for most datesso one day she says I think we need to talk about you not having a jobits unattractive and I dont know if I can go ondespite the fact that I cant get a proper job because we live and are stuck in south LA, because she doesnt want to leave and be away from her parents! To make matters worse I am working in a job I hate because I cant afford to move elsewhere as I would probably have to take a pay cut and we just cant afford it. network a little in your workplace youll find someone. I also had a good job and everything was looking great. If it even looks like its breached by your man, get the hell out. Lesson use meditation and mindfulness to value your partner and get back to some employment and love yourself for that small step. With the next interview, we hope hell get hired. Its hard and we have children not an easy answer. Hes can be completely normal one minute and irritable and angry the next. Not sure what to do any more but all i know is that I have very little left in the tank and life doesnt seem to be getting any less complex and harsh. Im 20 and so stressed about money Im genuinely going mental. My issue was that I never felt supported when we were in this situation that he wasnt doing anything around the house whilst I worked 60 hrs a week, that he wasnt trying to find a job, that he wasnt happy for my work related successes. When he just lost his job, I finished my vacation course and looking for part time and expected he will get some work no matters full time or part time. I have to beg him to mow the lawn. Its so frustrating and scary. I have been self employed for 8 years and got my LLC 3 years ago. Him with a job .. I pray for God to send me a si gn for guidance and strength. But i tried to be strong, i have let it go and o have thought she was never mine but i could not forget her. I still sometimes get a stomach flutter upon seeing him. I guess Im just trying to be ok with the current situation since I know things arent going to change soon. I was supportive of him and was positive that he would find something else. Seeing someone like this can also be depressing for others. It felt so incredibly selfish, insensitive, and thoughtless that my entire morning has been spent crying and looking up articles like this one. Fortunately, in the meantime, the couple can settle on the positive choices that can, at last, reinforce their relationship. I challenge anyone to say it doesnt. I work FT, 40-50 hours a week, and recently failed a part time semester in college while trying for my Associates degree. It might just be that your spouse values household work a lot less than you do and isnt interested in pitching in as much as youd like. At the end of day, what way you choose lead to an expected consequence. My partner of ten years walked out of her job two years ago without finding another job first. I honestly dont know how I ended up with this lifestyle we have a son and he adores his father but the stress between him and I have gotten to a point I just dont know how I feel anymore. Validate your husband's feelings. now almost 53, extremelely depressed, and unsocially unaccepted. Set Clear Timelines and Expectations with Your Adult Child. I did some in the UK when the opportunity came up, and I learned Swedish and did some small pieces of work in Sweden. And yeah, I can say that because mines unemployed too, but hes the polar opposite of lazy. You know them. But i have to day i am crumbling. Im the one that list the job due to seizures. Until then, I try to do as much housework as possible, I try to cook for him and I constantly remind him how much I love him and appreciate him. I then found I was the sole income into the family and thought ok this wont be for long. Move on with your life. I really dont feel he is trying hard to find a job so how long do I go before I cant take it any longer. What if the person is purposelly stretching out the unemployment. Help your significant other comprehend that, 5. Jessica, I hope to god you helped yourself. Imagine NOT having a partner to bring home a paycheck. But I feel as you all do. So, so wrong. He pretends yo be kind and says he just will do whatever I say and then less than a week later he is back to his old self again. Last December, The New York Times reported on a regrettable trend. I dont want a cush life, I just want to have less struggle. Im tired of being the sole breadwinner. I appreciate the feedback. He needs it badly. I had the opportunity to advance at work. I had no idea when we gor married that anythign like that was even possible, but I love my wife and stood by her, even as she tearfully admitted to herself and to me that she could never be a teacher. Its been 5 years since he last worked. I dont know how much longer I can do this. "Tell them you feel anxious, trapped, burdened, worried, alone, ignored, invisible . My (25f) husband (24f) doesnt do anything at home. I also dont feel I can talk to family and friends as they, my parents in particular, feel that I should be with someone who is earning and has a career path. Two thirds of my wage is spent on existing (rent, bills, food and travel) the rest I dont feel I can spend on myself as Im always thinking about next months costs. So here it is girls. Or you can accept that your spouse probably isnt going to start cleaning after 10 years of marriage and develop a plan to keep the peace despite this. There is too much fluff and fairy floss around all this stuff, you know, relationships and love. Not enough black and white hard speak from us old battle ships broad sided on deep waters and left listing to limp home. Stop being such a bloody snowflake. I have also been seeing a therapist who tells me that I have to look after myself. I even paid for an online class for him. To her husband, she was extremely supportive and tactful. I have no idea what employers want anymore. I found all you wonderful gals experiencing What I have been going through. Originally we both wanted me to be a stay at home mom, so my husband doesnt even want me to work anyway. I need a man who can take care of himself. It makes me so sad. When I ask them if theyve had a discussion about the roles each is taking on and how theyll split up the household responsibilities, I almost always get a no.. I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for 15 years. Like hes my kid and Im trying to raise him. I have been with this man for 11 years and initially felt that the right thing to do was be patiently supportive but I cant see a light at the end of the tunnel. Im too stressed. I am now having all the same thoughts that I read through this great thread. He will use the microwave etc. When i met my wife when she was my girlfriend, i was working. i have tried to leave my husband so many times, i even filed for divorce, but i came back to this situation, to try again, start over with hopes that things will get better. I helped him walk through the process of getting a city job (which he has now), and now feeling less guilty over what his family has provided me because I paid him back in effort and energy I decided I didnt want to deal with this the rest of my life. Been married 20+ years and he has worked for about 6 months out of all that time. It cant just all be on me. Everyone has told me that I am too hard on myself and I realise that indeed I did not congratulate myself on all I had achieved. Hes trying and applying to anything that could work. Yes Im in the boat with other women. But it is not because I fear God. boeing 767 patriot express. Warm regards and best wishes, Must be nice coming home. Hear me. Im Ms Y. with a twist. 17 What one hates, the other may be able to tolerate. So, here I am, sacrificing my time to make this work, giving my all, and get threatened with my heart because deep down, beyond EVERYTHING ELSE, having a job is all that matters I guess Not the persons heart, mind, body, time, soul, energy, care, or anything my parents led me to believe truly matter Real classy. Im so depressed. Why all of comments are telling sad stories.are there any successful stories that the unemplyed finally gets a job and the love is strengthened?my boyfriend has been looking for a job since three years,thank god,i have a stable job,many of u with children and debtthat is much harder.wish all of you get through this tunnel. He was doing fine performance wise, but was always in an angry mood with a boo boo face saying little to nothing to co-workers. ..Over analyzing the situation. Hes filled out literally HUNDREDS of applications, contacted countless recruiters and hes only had one interview in the last year. He'll change the cat litter box. Why??? Im beyond tired of watching this person laying around, playing on their phone, computer, laying around in bed, and generally doing nothing all day, every day aside from one or two rare chores that they grumble and complain about constantly before, during and after they do them. They disconnected. Jon, youre right as well. And, one more btw I have a job that requires a lot. If they do, cut them some slack; they probably have years of resentment built up. It is nice to know that Im not the only one suffering through this, though. And even you married him, you can dervoce. It turned out that he had chronic appendicitis, but it took the doctors two years to figure that out. DEAR CAROLYN: My husband hasnt worked for more than 10 years. I just need a roof, a way to go and something to eat, while Im here. He is still unemployed n blaming me for all the failures in his life. why are you ladies putting up with this crap? Cleaning just enough to keep me from being angry but not quite enough to keep me from being stressed. My husband is a good dad but not a great stay-at-home parent. I dont think he understands how depressed and alone I am feeling. Try to take everything of yours out of the place you are in now and transfer the mortgage to him. Well, I can relate. I find it hard not to be angry at my husband. We may have to move back to his home state because it seems a bit easier to get work. I am in the exact same situation. He treated me so well. This email will be used to sign into all New York sites. The "My Husband Won't Do Half the Housework" Fallacy. So recently I try to do some exercise and keep reading make myself more peaceful and happy. It is not easy to keep up with home, family, kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dinners, chores, running around, budgeting, etcto begin with. I just wish I knew what to do. Be patient, be supportive., I think to myself, Me, be patient? :). Ive worked too hard, stressed out too much and given up too much, for her to just give up! For these with children issue like me, I choose to put up with and wait my children grow up. And we dont have sex. When do I get to be carried around for a while! Ever since weve been dating, she continually talks about wanting to go back to school, but its been 2 years of not applying to any school and almost a year of not handing out any job applications. Unless youre working temp jobs, if you dont have a regular paycheck in my book, youre unemployed. I was able to talk to him about going to a doctor to sort out his mental issues. His mom has money, and he can grovel to her as much as he wants for all I care. Part of HuffPost Relationships. One thing that really bothered me in those days was the fact that my sister was unable to know how money he earned on monthly basis. Because thats easier said than done, we asked Smith and other therapists to share the exact advice they give when this issue comes up in their offices. Ive been working almost consistently since hes been out of work, we got married and had a baby during that time and I st returned back to work. One night I went out with some girlfriends and came home late, he had been drinking and beat me up when I got home. I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN ANY JOB and I did apply for a few even if it meant cleaning up poo to give me back a sense of pride and contribution to the world. When I reacted to all of this and basically had a break down, he consoled me and treated me as though we were together. Get a clue. Thats been well over a year now. I built myself into a career and have a very supportive work environment. I have a similar story as many of you I am the wife of 12 years totally frustrated of what has become of my DHs mediocre drive to work and provide for his family. He says hes trying to find something, its been over a year since hes had a job, all he does is watch porn, play video games, and watch videos on youtube. Hi Chelsea, he sounds like a horrible man and it seem like you and your kid are in danger. Yes Ive become a b%tch too ..we have to share one car and life feels like its not worth living .. I am so tired and sad that we are barely managing despite mh good income. It does take awhile unfortunately, but it is the only way. Rent is due in 1 week and he hasnt saved up a dime considering he hasnt worked a day in the last month so I know he wont have his 600 in time.